As we begin another December, I’m doing my best to focus on the blessings in my life. I know Jesus will continue to get me through the hard times, both physical and emotional, by wrapping His arms around me as a constant source of comfort. My mind keeps taking my heart down a not so pleasant road.
Seventeen years ago, on Dec 2nd, my mother-in-law died. While I was sitting at the funeral home, on Dec 4th, I was also mourning the loss of my daughter, Sara, who was stillborn two years prior.
Every year, I try my best not to dwell on those thoughts and work on getting things ready for Christmas. Oddly it’s getting harder. My mother loved Christmas! In 1995 she managed to fight breast cancer until Dec 28th so she was able to be here for Christmas.
Writing helps me get through the rough times. I thank God I’m able to put my thoughts on paper. There are times I feel like I’m drowning in these thoughts. Thankfully through my faith and dear friends, I’m able to make it through.
I started seeing a therapist regarding the depression and anxiety that has started to get the best of me. It didn’t take her long to diagnose me with unresolved grief. My journey through grief started when my mom died sixteen years ago from breast cancer.
I was just limping along through my grief over her death. About one month shy of the second anniversary of losing her, my daughter, Sara, was stillborn at 38 weeks. The grief I felt right then hit the grief I was already dealing with like a freight train. I ended up with a mangled mess of grief.
The grief I was feeling over my mom and my daughter were a jumbled mess of emotions. I wanted to hold my daughter, look into her eyes and tell her stories about her Grandma in Heaven. I wanted to be able to cry with and talk to my mom about my heavy heart and the piece that was missing because her Grand-daughter was in Heaven. I couldn’t do either and it was tearing me apart.
The stages of grief were jumbled together. I tried to separate the two so I could work through them. Looking back, I think I was close to the “acceptance” stage of grief before Sara. After Sara’s death, when my grief was tangled together, working through the stages of my grief, flew out the window. Since I couldn’t untangle my grief, I went straight to “anger” for both losses. I thought maybe it would be easier to work through if I was at the same stage for both…didn’t work. Fourteen years after the death of my daughter, I’m still in the same place.
Through my therapy sessions and some self-reflection, I have realized I have been trying to work around my grief instead of through it. The pain doesn’t really go away, you just make room for it.
God has blessed me with a few true friends who have helped me on my journey through this train wreck. They have been there to talk to me, listen to me, hug me or just sit with me. They have seen past my “I’m okay”.
God has also blessed me with His promises. He will comfort me and make me stronger. He won’t take away my grief but He will help me make it through it.
H. Norman Wright said, “The hard news is the only road to true healing is through the grief process. The good news is God travels that road with us”.
1 Samuel 30:6 …David strengthened himself in the Lord his God
Posted in death, family, friendship, God's blessings, God's love, grief, grieving, loss, love
Tagged God's promises, grieving, love